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Validating vs. Indulging Children s Feelings

 by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

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I grew up at a time when children s feelings were not important. I was supposed to go along with the program without complaint, regardless of how I felt. If I was upset about something, my mother generally responded with, Don t be ridiculous, while my father just ignored me. Many of my counseling clients had similar experiences in their growing-up years.

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Those of us on a personal growth path don t want to do the same thing to our children. We want our children to feel safe in expressing their feelings. We want them to know that what they feel matters to us, that their feelings are important to us. The problem is that sometimes children use their feelings to manipulate their parents, and parents sometimes get confused between validating their children s authentic feelings and indulging the feelings intended to manipulate.

All feelings are not created equal. As parents, we need to learn to discern the difference in intent regarding our children s expression of feelings. Authentic feelings are generated by life experiences, such as the loss of a pet, difficulties with friends, problems with learning, and so on. These feelings need to be attended to with caring and compassion. Manipulative feelings are generated by thoughts such as, I want attention, I want new clothes, or I have a right to have whatever I want. The expression of these feelings need to be ignored, or the child needs to be told that we don t like the complaining, so that we are not indulging our children in using their feelings to manipulate.

Joanne is struggling with her 6 year old daughter, Rachael, regarding this issue of feelings. I don t want to squash her feelings the way mine were squashed. However, Rachael has learned to use her feelings to control Joanne. For example, Rachael often cries bitterly in the mornings while getting dressed for school because she can t seem to find the right combination of clothes. Joanne then spends lots of time trying to help Rachael and mornings have become a nightmare. The same thing happens regarding food. If Joanne doesn t have the food Rachael wants, or doesn t like the meal Joanne has prepared, Rachael often complains and carries on. If Joanne and her husband Dan want to go out alone for dinner or with friends, Rachael is outraged at being left out. Joanne consistently validates Rachael s feelings by saying things like, I really understand how you feel, or I really understand that this is important to you.

However, in continuing to attend to Rachael s feelings and giving them a lot of her time, Joanne is indulging Rachael and teaching her to use her feelings as a form of control. In addition, Joanne is not helping Rachael learn to manage her feelings rather than dump them on others. Just because we feel something doesn t mean we need to act on the feelings. As adults, just because we may feel like having a ice cream for breakfast, doesn t mean we indulge ourselves in having it. Just because we feel like sleeping in when we need to go to work doesn t mean we allow our feelings to determine our behavior. Just because we feel like punching someone in the nose doesn t mean we do it. Hopefully, we ve learned to acknowledge and release our feelings without letting them control us.

The same needs to be true with our children. We need to learn to comfort our children s authentic feelings, such as the pain over the loss of a friendship, while not giving much attention to feelings expressed to control. When Joanne tales responsibility for fixing Rachael s feelings, Rachael does not have to learn to take care of her own feelings. Joanne needs to walk away from or ignore Rachael s tantrums and complaints when they are about things like her clothes or food. She needs to let Rachael know that, while she understands her feelings, Rachael also needs to learn to accept things as they are. Accepting how things are is part of learning to manage feelings.

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If Joanne wants Rachael to grow up with good values, she needs to not give energy to issues such as the clothes. Indulging Rachael in thinking the right clothes are so important is not good for Rachael. Indulging Rachael in controlling whether or not she is included in adult activities is also not good for Rachael. Rachael needs to learn to accept things even if she doesn t like them we all need to learn this. By indulging Rachael s manipulative behavior through giving all her feeling so much importance, Joanne is creating a child with entitlement issues.

Before we can help our children manage their feelings in healthy ways, we need to learn to manage our feelings in healthy ways. If you are indulgent with your feelings, your children will learn to do the same. If you are using your feelings to manipulate others, or allowing other to manipulate you with their feelings, your children will learn this from you. One of the best things you can do for your children is to become a role model regarding taking personal responsibility for your feelings.

About The Author Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and Healing Your Aloneness. She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.

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I was standing in line in the drugstore this evening and up walked a father with his 10 year old son. And what did the 10 year old boy have on? A t-shirt that said I wish my babysitter were a HOOTER girl. I was quietly appalled.

I hear the most amazing stories, as an EQ coach (and see and hear things when I m out and about) that corroborate the latest surveys showing that the majority of US citizens are concerned about the growing rudeness in America.

One woman s boss considers it appropriate to strip down to his boxer shorts once the business day has begun.

In another office, the senior partner has a brain tumor, and is incontinent, and doesn t care. For what I pay them, he snarls, they can watch me pee my pants.

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I dine in a booth at a restaurant and am assaulted by the kindergartner in the booth behind me, who screams, throws food, and keeps trying to leg his way over to my side.

My friend Anita has started a new job. The woman in the cubby next to her burns scented candles and plays loud music on her radio. When asked to cease and desist, she claims seniority.

I receive a receipt from a fast food restaurant, and for some odd reason actually read it. There it is: F*** you for eating at XXX it says across the top, a manager s nightmare. I am not making that up!

I move into the audience at a cruise presentation I m giving, and sit down to work with a gentleman. He tells me he s too sexually turned on (by moi?) to concentrate.

And then there s the cell phone abuse, and retail clerk attitude.

WHAT IS RUDENESS?

Rudeness is something upsetting. It s something that assaults our space. We can t escape from the sight of other people, nor their odors, their noises, nor, should it come to that, their bodies or parts thereof. As they say in the Supreme Court, your right to swing your arm ends at the end of my nose.

But there are other things more frequent and more invasive than fisticuffs, and our personal space extends beyond our noses, inches to yards depending upon your culture.

IT IS BRAIN SCIENCE

Now, since I m an EQ coach, let s do a little brain science here. We are our emotions, which come from our brains. We like to feel good, and we hate to feel bad. We don t like to get angry; we like to be soothed. We hate insults; we adore compliments. We like to be able to concentrate and think. We don t like to be disturbed and interrupted. A single noise at too high a decibel level can render us immediately deaf, but too much time in a sensory deprivation chamber drives us nuts. Like Goldilocks, we don t want too cold or too hot; we like it to be just right.

We like our brain waves around beta and alpha. Beta is the normal waking consciousness, associated with concentration, arousal, alertness and cognition. However, at the higher levels, it s associated with anxiety. Too much arousal is not a good thing.

When we can relax into the alpha range, we feel really good. This is the twilight state between sleeping and waking. It s relaxed focus at its higher levels, and causes increase in serotonin production the feel good chemical. This is when you stare at a sunset, play with the baby, listen to beautiful music, or get a massage. (The other two are theta (dreaming sleep) and delta (dreamless sleep).

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Our optimal state is just going about our business, in pleasant surroundings. Rudeness is anything that jars us; anything that puts us into too high a state of arousal. It is IDEAL that we could stay in equilibrium. It is RUDENESS to be thrust out of it.

Being RUDE isn t just saying certain words, it s failing on any number of levels to RESPECT the other person their thoughts, feelings, body, and soul.

What assaults us most are things that go directly to the reptilian brain things that trigger sex or aggression. There you are quietly enjoying your bagel and coffee and someone shoves past you, saying Move it ass**** and you start churning stomach acid, yes?

Rudeness is a violation of the other person s sensibilities, but the line is blurred and varies. It s like your mom told you about sex it s not that you can t do it, it s when, where, how, and with whom.

LEARN HOW TO BEHAVE IN PUBLIC

Studying Emotional Intelligence with an EQ coach can help you determine what s appropriate and what isn t. There are things appropriate to intimate relationships that don t work in the work place, and things that are appropriate in private, that are not appropriate in public. As the saying goes, We never grow up, we just learn how to behave in public.

It s okay to scratch where it itches when you re home alone. When you do it in front of me, in a store, it s rude. The same act, too, may be OK in another culture or country. Pay attention!

Be particularly respectful of the things we can t defend ourselves against. Your WORDS, we can defend against tell you to stop, counter, plug our ears, or leave. Your body odor, in an elevator? There isn t much we can do, and it s offensive.

Be particularly mindful in forced situations (if you share an office for instance) and of those who are helpless (is it just rude to smoke in the car with a toddler?) and of those you can assault the most because you live with them (like your marital partner).

Here are the areas to watch out for, and examples of rudeness:

NOISE

1.Uncurbed cell phone use
2.Strident and harsh tones of voice
3.Talking too much or too loudly
4.Nervous habits scraping nails on a blackboard, tongue-clicking, finger tapping, throat clearing, humming, talking to yourself out loud
5.Playing music inappropriately
6.Misbehaving pets and children a dog that barks all night; children out of control in a restaurant
7.Unpleasant voice cackling laugh, nasal twang
8.Wheezing, coughing, gagging, snoring, snorting, burping, farting, hawking phlegm
9.Inappropriate crying or laughing
10.Disturbing someone s sleep
11.Loud noises honking horn, banging desk or cabinet, scraping chair, slamming books, fist or door
12.Drunk and disorderly conduct

MOVEMENT

1.Fidgeting, banging, bouncing, swaying in conversation
2.Moving too fast (don t startle people) or too slow ( Sunday drivers )
3.Any unwanted body contact hugging, hitting, touching
4.Physical harm to another
5.Standing too close

ODORS

1.Body odor
2.Bad breath
3.Cheap dry-cleaned clothes, moth balls on the sweater
4.Too strong cologne in closed quarters
5.Burning incense, scented candles, cigarette or cigar smoke
6.Food bringing sauerkraut into the break room, or sardines

VISUAL

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1.Exposing body parts inappropriately cleavage, butt cracks
2.Unclean or unkempt
3.Inappropriate apparel
4.Inappropriate self-grooming in public cleaning your ears, scratching your genitals, picking your nose
5.Gestures and expressions rolling eyes, sneering, giving the finger, glowering
6.Nervous tics and mannerisms biting your lip, playing with your hair
7.PDA public displays of affection

WORDS

1.Profanity
2.Inappropriate sexual references
3.References to body processes and elimination
4.Provocation saying things designed to arouse (controversial issues such as race, religion, politics and sex)
5.Gossip, slander and libel
6.Complaining, whining, catastrophizing
7.Inappropriate self-disclosure (traumas, addictions, your sex life)
8.Badgering, belaboring, pontificating, or boring others. Know when is enough.
9.Put downs, degrading, insulting, bullying
10.Offering unsolicited advice
11.Monopolizing air time
12.Ignoring someone
13.Shaming and blaming
14.Attacking, sarcasm

EMOTIONS

1.Negativity
2.Hostility
3.Self-pity, victimization
4.Pessimism
5.Copping an attitude
6.Spreading doom and gloom
7.Anxiety without boundaries

BODY FLUIDS

1.Spitting, slobbering
2.Coughing
3.Sneezing
4.Touching someone else s food or drinking from their cup
5.Unwanted kissing
6.Not flushing the toilet
7.Blowing your nose at the table

In essence, picture a space around yourself and around the other, including space that s shared (public restroom, airport waiting room). Be good to that space. Treat it with respect.

THE GOLDEN RULE

How do you know what s respectful? Empathy. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

LET IT ALL HANG IN.

Somewhere along the way, let it all hang out got out of control. We now need to protect ourselves from one another. Your emotional state, for instance, needn t be commented upon continually. Nor do we need to know intimate details about your sex life. War stories afflict the hearer as much as the original recipient. Advice and opinions are best received when invited. Depression is depressing.

It isn t all about you. It s about you and the others in your environment. Don t Jaba the Hut others. Stay in your space.

Space violations engender negative emotions. Emotional management is Emotional Intelligence.

CORRELLARY: When you develop your own Emotional Intelligence, your world will become less rude. Rudeness is a closed feedback loop. People become rude because they ve been treated badly, and then they turn around and do the same thing. When you ve been assaulted with too much rudeness too long, you become hostile. You quit caring about the other.

CHANGE YOURSELF. CHANGE YOUR WORLD.

Clients often tell me after EQ work with me, how much nicer people are. There are some people who are inveterately rude, it s true, but there are other people who are reacting to what s coming at them. When you ve learned to manage yourself, and those around you, you naturally elicit respect.

STOP THE MADNESS

So how do we stop this epidemic of rudeness? Start with yourself. Take a look at the list and see how you re doing.

Then start being POLITE. It s from the Latin polished smooth, round, with no rough edges.

According to m-w, it means showing or characterized by correct social usage; marked by an appearance of consideration, tact, deference or courtesy; marked by a lack of roughness or crudities.

Practically speaking?

Hold the door open for someone.
Say please, thank you, excuse me, and may I?
Turn off the cell phone.
Modulate your voice.
Don t force your opinions on others.
Smell good.
Talk nice.
Be considerate.
And work with an EQ coach!

P.S. Might makes right only in the barnyard. If you re abusing others with rudeness because you re the boss, the father, the owner, the richest, or the biggest, shame on you!

About the Author

Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach and Consultant, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, business programs, internet courses, teleclasses and ebooks around emotional intelligence. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine. I train and certify EQ coaches. Email me for information on this fast, affordable program with no residency requirement.

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